I haven't written a blog in several days.  I'm struggling to keep positive and have had trouble finding positive things to say as I watch Gregory slip away more and more each day.   Thankfully he isn't in any pain and sleeps most of the day.  Cognitively he's struggling to find correct words and is "day dreaming" a lot of the time thinking very sweet, happy things.  Gregory is in a good place.  That's what matters. 

To say that this isn't painful for all of us in this household and for those who love Gregory would be a lie.  It is the most horrific thing I have ever had to endure.  I sit and watch Kaitlyn keeping a close eye on her psyche and see her pain.  I see Tim's pain constantly as he watches the son he has grown to love deteriorate before his eyes and I watch Peter's face as he sees is best buddy slipping away.  But even after having said all of that I can't help but watch Gregory breathe and say "thank you God" for having him here with us a little longer.  I know he's not able to express himself verbally but there are other ways of expressing one's self and Gregory has found them to help us through this time.  Just a few minutes ago I wiped his brow and told him I made him homemade vegetable soup to which he replied with a smile and a sigh.  When I hold his hand he gently squeezes mine so I know he's feeling me next to him.  And several times throughout the day he opens his eyes, especially when Brianna's here, to say a word or two humerous or loving things just so we know that he's still with us even in his weakened state.  So many people have written to me recently and said that Gregory is not done here on this earth yet and I have to believe they are correct.  I've contemplated those words throughout my recent days and nights and tried to understand what is left for Gregory to do but have come to the realization that I am just not supposed to understand.  I am just supposed to accept and keep holding his hand.  This is between Gregory and our God now.  I am his Mother and always will be his Mother but this is out of my control.  This is out of the doctors control who are amazed he is still with us.  This is between Gregory and his God.  I trust them both.

So I will continue to trust God and, as always, my son and wake each day saying "thank you for another day with my son being alive with me".  I will continue to search for the positive and fight the negative thoughts that often enter into my head throughout the day.  I will remain thankful for the simplest of things and tell the anger to go away.  I will no longer bargain or beg but continue to pray for more miracles and I will forever try and accept that my son will not live with us much longer on earth realizing that he's needed in heaven.    But until that time I will cherish.

Peace,   Ann